I fear I've done something terrible.

Or else I'm being paranoid. Nicci didn't come online today, and I'm deeply afraid that she might have been hurt by something I did last night, long after we had parted ways yesterday. Or, like on some other times, her absence today could be attributed to more mundane causes; she's in Moscow with her parents, and thus she can't use her cel to warn me of any technical problems. Or that she was too tired to log in...

But I'm fairly sure that she read her mail, and thus getting the little bomb that may have had unforeseen consequences. Or maybe Yahoo played a cruel trick on me and is making me imagine all kinds of stuff.

Whatever the cause, her absence today hurts, and it's worse because it may have been my fault.

Not even my sister giving me a Strider figure from Burger King's LotR promotion has lifted the dark shadow hovering over my mood.

I feel like a ghost.

I asked for a revelation and got more than I bargained for.

And never have I felt so insubstantial... so... ineffective. I sense the presence of the living yet I cannot touch them; they would rather keep my existance in the realm of the imaginary, or the ethereal because of fear of what my real existance would mean for them.

When I go back to this and read it, I will understand, others will not, and that is just as well.

I am a ghost, with no physical existance but driven by emotions.

I really should do more exercise. Even if from vacation from kendo. -And- I must get myself a new chair, one with proper back support. I say this because now that my job consists of mainly sitting down all day in front of my own computer, instead of one provided by an employer, and the chair I bought wasn't exactly meant to be sat on for more than 4-5 hours at a time.

I want to avoid back problems.

So, time has prevented me to post my New Year resolutions, mainly becais when you write for a living, you tend to forget to write other things, or to put it mildly to waste words that would be used somewhere else :), So, for this year, this is part a resolutions and a to do list:

*) Get myself registered in the National Author's Registry
*) Get car insurance
*) Exercise every morning, try to rise early by going to bed not-as-late
*) Buy a no-break
*) Get a Wacom pad and an optical mouse
*) New chair, see above.
*) Learn more German, perhaps some Japanese too.
*) Save money, keep my account at five digits starting march (after I pay debts, and it's pesos digits)
*) Maybe, maybe go to Germany for Oktoberfest, though beer is merely a secondary interest in going :)
*) Normalize my tax situation
*) Get my car fixed.